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“You know, maybe we’re just not good enough people to have a story this good happen to us.” So said legendary Sports Illustrated writer Dan Jenkins in the immediate aftermath of Tom Watson’s heartbreaking failure to win the 2009 Open at Turnberry as a 59 year old. Well, I hope you’ve all been well-behaved little girls and boys since then. Because Watson’s heroic near miss was the third in a triptych of toks to the teeth, following Colin Montgomerie’s fruitless pursuit of Tiger Woods at St Andrews in 2005 and Greg Norman’s brave attempts at Birkdale in 2008. We’re due one. Darren Clarke, 42 years old and full of steak and fine wines, step forward because this could be your time.

Or perhaps this is finally the moment for Thomas Bjorn, who threw away the 2003 Open here at Sandwich in a bunker at the 16th. Or is it the day of destiny for Cohiba-sucking horizontal Spaniard Miguel Angel Jimenez? Or – let’s not get too Eurocentric about this – perhaps the immensely likeable Phil Mickelson will finally put one of his trademark last-day charges together at a tournament he rarely features heavily in. Davis Love III? Tom Lehman? Tom Watson? A story, please. Give us a story. For the love of the golfing Gods, will one of you old buggers go out there and win it for us?

Problem is, of course, there are some damn fine young golfers battling him for the prize. Clarke’s leading the field on -5, but the excellent if fragile Dustin Johnson is only one shot behind him at -4. Tucked in behind the leading duo, alongside Bjorn at -2, is the brilliant Rickie Fowler. Martin Kaymer, with one major already to his name, might have got his bad round out of the way yesterday, and is lurking on level par, alongside Anthony Kim, who has yet to deliver on his immense promise but has been quietly efficient all week. And then there’s Brian Wilson Lucas Glover, George Coetzee, Anders Hansen, Adam Scott, Zach Johnson, Chad Campbell…

Anything could happen, basically. I could have saved myself a lot of time and just posted that.

The weather: Blustery.

Right. Here we go…

12.20pm: And we begin with early moves we like: Rory and Sergio have both birdied the 2nd to move to +3. “Am I correct in understanding that the planets aligned to give us Sergio and Rory paired up on the last day of The Open?” begins the extremely correct Ed Ed. “What’s the largest deficit ever made up to win an Open? If it’s fewer than 9 strokes, get ready for a run at a new record. Oh oh oh…..don’t know how I’ll be able to sit still through the front nine.” Paul Lawrie was ten shots behind Jean van de Velde going into the final day of the 1999 Open at Carnoustie. So in theory it’s on. You’d have to say they’re too far back, but let’s not be ruling anything out just yet.

12.30pm: A birdie for the Masters champion Charl Schwartzel on the 1st. Meanwhile SERGIO HAS JUST DRAINED AN 80-FOOTER FOR BIRDIE ON 3. A huge left-to-right break, judged perfectly! Good lord. He punches the air with his fist. The putt of the week? Along with Clarke’s eagle effort on 7 on Friday, yes. He’s +2 now, and on the move! Let me reiterate, because I’ll probably never have the chance to write this again: Sergio Garcia has just hit the putt of the week. McIlroy double bogeys the hole to drop back to +5, but let’s not take the wind out of our own sails here.

Some more admin before we continue. This is the leaderboard as it stood at the end of the third round, and as it stands now.

-5
Clarke (2.10pm)

-4
Johnson (2.10pm)

-2
Fowler (2pm)
Bjorn (2pm)

-1
Jimenez (1.50pm)
Glover (1.50pm)

Par
Kim (1.40pm)
Mickelson (1.40pm)
Hansen (1.30pm)
Coetzee (1.30pm)
Love III (1.20pm)
Kaymer (1.20pm)

12.35pm: The amateur hero of the week, Tom Lewis, has just rolled a 50-foot eagle effort home on 7. He’s now -3, and four strokes ahead of his rival for the silver medal, the US amateur Peter Uihlein.

12.40pm: The wind is really getting up at Royal St George’s, so much so that balls have been gently oscillating on the greens. It’s not stopping Tom Watson, though, who is this close to rolling in a 25-footer for birdie on 3. Meanwhile SERGIO NEWS: on 5, he nearly holes his second, a short wedge that rolls an inch past the cup on the left and rests 18 inches away. He couldn’t, could he? Please. This is going to really annoy me when the wheels come off, as they surely will. “I’m going for Kaymer on penalties – sorry, in a play-off,” writes Gary Naylor, dipping into his Big Tome of Cheap But Amusing National Stereotypes (Guardian Books, 1986). “And less of Monty being old – he’s younger than me!” And yet still way past his peak, Naylor, not as good as he used to be. But don’t feel too bad about it; at least you’re still making a small contribution to this year’s Open.

12.45pm: It’s now raining at Sandwich. Nothing tempestuous, just a good honest shower. On 5, Garcia taps in his short birdie putt, and he’s now only +1, six off the lead! Keep it up, Sergio, please. Please. He won’t keep it up, will he? I’m not falling into this trap again.

12.50pm: A huge par putt on 8 keeps Tom Lewis at +3. He’s been wonderful this week, and not just because of that opening-day 65 either. Meanwhile on 6, it begins: Sergio overhits a fade with his tee shot and plops his ball into a deep greenside bunker. A moment of genius is required here, because he’s got no room for error, having started nine shots off the lead. BAH, basically.

12.55pm: Brilliance from Garcia, who spashes out from that deep bunker, right across the green to six feet. He’s got a chance to save par, though you can’t trust him with that putter. Meanwhile here’s what I’ll be watching on repeat once this is all over. “I don’t know if you’ve mentioned the Golf Boys Making of… video,” writes Gary ‘Monty’ Naylor, “but it’s very Spinal Tap.”

“This would maybe work for you. Give you the image of hair.”

12.57pm: Garcia keeps the momentum going by knocking in his par putt! Brilliant! He’s -3 through 6, and +1 for the tournament, with the very inviting par-five 7th coming up.

1pm leaderboard:

+1
Garcia (6)

Selected other scores:

-5
Clarke (2.10pm)

-4
Johnson (2.10pm)

-2
Fowler (2pm)
Bjorn (2pm)

-1
Jimenez (1.50pm)
Glover (1.50pm)

Par
Kim (1.40pm)
Mickelson (1.40pm)
Hansen (1.30pm)
Coetzee (1.30pm)
Love III (1.20pm)
Kaymer (1.20pm)

1.05pm: It’s been another distressing day for the young Korean player Jung-Gon Hwang. The 19-year-old prospect was three shots off the lead after the first round, having shot a 68, and was still in the thick of it on +2 after day two. But he suffered in the storms yesterday, shooting an 83, and today experienced further sensations of unhappiness and tumult, carding four double bogeys – three of them on the bounce over the front nine – on his way to a nine-over 79. He’s finished the tournament in last place, needless to say, a whopping +24. Small mercies, though: he hasn’t shot the worst round of the day. At the moment, the American Harrison Frazar holds that unwanted record, having carded an 80. England’s Kenneth Ferrie and Sweden’s Henrik Stenson could equal that or do even worse: they’re respectively +10 and +9 for the day, after 16 and 15 holes.

1.15pm: Sergio’s roll continues! He birdies 7 after sending a beautiful second shot pin high to 20 feet. His eagle effort is wonderful, but stops two blades of grass short on the right-hand lip. He tickles it in for birdie; he’s level par for the tournament! But dreadful luck for his playing partner Rory McIlroy, who addresses his ball to hit his birdie effort, only for it to be moved six inches by the wind. Because he’d grounded his putter, that’s a one-stroke penalty. He misses what becomes a par putt, and walks off the green with a six, sporting a wry grin.

1.20pm: Lovely scenes on 8 as Sergio and Rory walk after their drives. Garcia puts his arm round the young Irishman’s shoulder, offering sympathy over the egregious wind-based nonsense on the last green. The pair laugh about what’s just happened. Thing is, Garcia could have had better luck over the opening holes too: had everything gone his way, his peachy second into 5 would have rolled in instead of skirting the hole, and that eagle putt on the last would have dropped too. I suppose you can’t be greedy, and that monster on 3 did drop. But still, where does rational thought get anyone? “While it is not big or clever to make fun of Americans it is very amusing,” begins Ian Copestake, who won’t be laughing come 7pm when, having tempted fate and Auld Mr Karma, the US win their first major since Lefty’s 2010 Masters. “A commentator on the big South American shindig between Uruguay and Argentina last night announced that the game would now be decided on ‘penalty shots’! I imagined 22 men retreating into a bar to throw back tequilas. Will that happen at the Open?’ It will if Darren Clarke has anything to do with it.

1.25pm: Trouble for Sergio on 8. His second finds deep rough front-left of the green, and his third gets a flyer and zips right across the putting surface, nestling in rubbish at the back. He’ll do very well to make even bogey from there. Oh dear. I mentioned the travails of Henrik Stenson a few minutes ago: it’s worthy of record that his +9 includes an 11 at the par-five 14th. Eleven shots. Eleven. Hackers of the world, we are not alone.

1.30pm: So unlucky for Sergio. His chip back towards the hole is hot, hot, hot, and scoots 15 feet past the hole. His bogey putt is hit perfectly, or so it seems, somehow horseshoeing out when it looked for all the world like it was ready to drop. That’s a momentum-wrecking double-bogey 6, and he drops back to +2. Ah well, it was nice to dream while we could. But here’s a thing: after a terrible couple of years, Sergio is beginning to show in the majors again. First the US Open, now here. His putting is much improved, and he’s looking like he’s enjoying himself once more. I really hope he’ll take the positives from this – he’s had a tendency to mope recently – and build for the future. Can he win the PGA at the Atlanta Athletic Club? Let’s hope so. Fate, you owe us a few. Do your job,

1.35pm: A marvellous response to that double by Garcia, who knocks his second at 9 to 12 feet. On 3, Chad Campbell knocks in his second birdie in a row. He bogeyed the 1st, so he’s level par for the tournament. Meanwhile here’s a word on the gender issue at Sandwich from Kevin Mannerings: “In Portmarnock, Dublin, women are also banned from being members, and the latest round of a saga that has been running for 10 years, since Nissan sponsored the Irish Open there, is that the campaign to outlaw this failed at the Supreme Court in Dublin, and campaigners are now calling for legal changes to stop it. The campaign forced sponsors to think twice, and I can’t recall an Irish Open at a venue banning women since then. It is an extraordinary battle, and somewhere in my souvenir box I have an advert by Nissan, mocking the idea of equality. Hopefully the Irish campaigners will now by joined by decent people in the UK.”

1.40pm: Garcia can’t make his putt. A bit of added poke and it’d have dropped – it was dead on line – but in truth it was a craven effort. He walks off the green having gone out in a very impressive 33, yet thinking what might have been. Meanwhile it’s been a mixed day for the amateur Tom Lewis. That eagle on 7, but a double bogey on 9. A dropped shot on the 1st, a birdie on the 2nd. And now he follows a birdie on 10 with a bogey on 12. He’s +5 for the tournament, but four ahead of silver-medal rival Peter Uihlein of the USA.

1.50pm: The big names on the leaderboard are beginning to trot out one by one. Phil Mickelson got a huge cheer a few minutes ago; he’s now safely on the 1st green in two. Now it’s the turn of Miguel Angel Jimenez, who high-fives a few spectators on his way to the tee. On the practise green, Ricky Fowler – clad in his last-day neon orange – says that he’s “ready to go”. If I was putting cash money on this, he’d be my pick. On 2, Davis Love III sets himself up for birdie with a beautiful wedge to six feet; he’ll need that after an opening-hole three-putt bogey.

1.55pm: Love knocks in his birdie putt on 2. He’s level par for this tournament. Mickelson and Kim par the 1st. Lefty smiles broadly; it’d be great to see him challenge properly here. Jimenez and his partner Brian Wilson have driven off, allowing Rickie Fowler and Thomas Bjorn to take to the tee. “It’s go time for Fowler,” says the BBC’s Andrew Cotter, conjuring incongruous images of Izzy Mandelbaum.

2pm: A double-bogey 6 for Peter Uihlein on 15 knocks him back to +11, a real boost for Tom Lewis’s silver-medal hopes. Here’s how we’re looking on the leaderboard, which contains only two previous major winners in Lucas Glover and Martin Kaymer, so we’re in for a nervous afternoon:

-5
Clarke (2.10pm)

-4
Johnson (2.10pm)

-2
Fowler (just teed off)
Bjorn (just teed off)

-1
Jimenez (going down 1)
Glover (going down 1)

Par
Campbell (5)
Kaymer (3)
Hansen (2)
Kim (1)
Mickelson (1)

2.05pm: Jimenez makes a right old meal of the 1st, his second shot taking a flyer through the green. He can’t scramble, and drops a shot; he’s level par now. That would have meant only five men were under par for this year’s tournament – but Phil Mickelson’s just popped in a birdie putt on 2; he’s -1. I can think of at least three daft tiddlers Lefty has missed this week; if his putter had been even lukewarm, never mind hot, he’d be right up there. And Anthony Kim follows him in, making it seven men in red figures.

2.15pm: Fowler hits his second shot pin high. Hardly a gimmie for birdie, but it’s a chance, and a solid start from the young American. Back up on the tee, Darren Clarke receives the reception of the day, a huge guttural roar from the Kentish faithful. Ivor Robson, who has been the official starter at the Open since 1975, calls the last match. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final game of the 140th Open Championship. On the tee from the USA, Dustin Johnson!” Here comes entertainment. Haw! He hooks his drive over the crowds on the left. So soon, Dustin? So soon? Robson should have just sung It’s Dustin Johnson Meltdown Time to the Peanut Butter Jelly song. “On the tee from Northern Ireland, Darren Clarke!” And for the love of God, Clarke hooks a nervous one into filth too. Here we go. Hell yeah.

2.20pm: Pars for Fowler and Bjorn on the 1st. Jimenez sets himself up with half a chance for birdie on 2 – and he makes it, a tricky left-to-right breaker from 10 feet! What a response to dropping one on the 1st. He’s back to -1. On 14, a triple-bogey 8 for Tom Lewis, dropping back to +8. But in the silver-medal race he’s still well ahead of Uihlein, who has just bogeyed 17; he’s +12. And to the leaders: Clarke powers out of the rough down the left of 1, finding the centre of the green. Johnson takes a free drop and sends a gorgeous wedge over the flag to 12 feet.

2.25pm: Clarke is left with a long putt on 1, and leaves it miles short. What a nervous nonsense. Johnson has a chance to irritate Clarke from the off with his birdie putt, but fails to hit his 12-foot effort, leaving the thing pathetically short. Early jitters from these two. But then, what a putt from Clarke, who curls in a 15-foot left-to-right one for his par save! “Better than Alka Seltzer, what a settler,” says BBC legend Peter Alliss, and he ain’t wrong. Johnson taps in his par putt. For a second, that looked like the pair would switch places on the leaderboard, but it didn’t happen. Clarke will be very pleased with how that turned out, because he played the hole uselessly. On 2, Fowler and Bjorn register pars, though the latter will be disappointed after missing an extremely makeable birdie effort.

2.30pm: Jimenez hooks his tee shot at 3. He can’t get up and down from dirt, and drops his second shot of the day, moving back to level par for the tournament. Again. Glover drops a shot too, heading in the same direction. A general sense from the leading pack that nobody wants to play themselves out of contention before their rounds have really started. You can’t blame them, but it’s producing a lot of nervous golf. I wonder if this could play into Phil Mickelson’s hands, if he gets on one of his birdie rolls? Mickelson, after all, has majors coming out of several pockets.

2.35pm: Bjorn pulls his 4-iron on the 3rd tee. He’s well left of the green, in Jimenez Country. Fowler is on line, but well short and on the bottom level of the stepped green. That was nearly great. Of the leading pack, he looks the least shaky. Coming up just behind is Lefty, who drains a 12-foot birdie putt on 4 to move to -2. Suddenly, he’s only three off the lead, and has a huge cheeky grin spread across his face. He bangs fists with his caddy and bounds off to the next tee at a fair old clip. Clarke has a determined look on his face too, though, and after that nervy opening hole hits his first proper shot of the day, an iron clipped to five feet on 2. Johnson follows his lead, hitting his approach to ten feet.

2.40pm: Simon Dyson has just gone eagle-birdie on 7 and 8 to move to +2 for the tournament. Bjorn gets up and down brilliantly to save his par on 3; Fowler matches his score, albeit in less dramatic fashion. Johnson’s birdie effort on 2 was never set wide left of the hole enough, dying right before it reaches the cup and scooting a couple of feet past. He makes his par. Clarke’s putt is dead straight, and he makes no mistake, birdieing the hole for a two-stroke lead over Johnson. He’s -6; what a start to the Irishman’s round!

2.45pm: It’s all going wrong for Jimenez down the 4th; an unplayable lie, and he’s hitting 4 into the green. It doesn’t go close. The jig could be up for the poor old bugger early doors. Sergio, meanwhile, is through 14 at +3, having dropped a shot on 13. I got a bit over-excited about his round earlier, you’ll have to forgive me. But what can you do?

2.50pm: On 3, neither Clarke nor Johnson hit particularly good tee shots, only just finding the front of the green. Johnson is in a tricky spot, with a kink of rough jutting in between his ball and the hole; he hits a sand wedge over it to four feet. Clarke races his long putt ten feet past the hole – but sinks the return! What an escape! Keep doing that, Darren Clarke, keep doing that. And he’s suddenly three shots in the lead, Johnson missing his tiddler! All together now: it’s Dustin Johnson Meltdown Time…

2.55pm: It’s over for Jimenez already: a triple-bogey 7 on 4, and he’s +3. A birdie half-chance for Mickelson on 6, his tee shot pin high, leaving him a 25-footer. All this despite his cap being blown off mid swing. If only someone was following him around with a swannee whistle, solely for these moments.

3pm: Mickelson makes his birdie at 6! What a putt! He’s really in the mood today! This is a brilliant performance by the left-handed genius. Some trouble for Clarke down the 4th. His drive finds rough, and he can’t reach the green in two; he’ll have to get up and down from 70 yards to save par. Raphael Jacquelin of France has gone out quietly in 33, bookending the first half of his round with birdies at 1 and 9. Going the wrong way: Thomas Bjorn, who’s just dropped a shot at 4. Here’s how it stands:

-6
Clarke (3)

-3
Mickelson (6)
Johnson (3)

-2
Fowler (4)

-1
Bjorn (4)

Par
Jacquelin (9)
Campbell (8)
Kim (5)

3.05pm: A dropped shot for Clarke. He bumps a lovely wedge from rough on the right, 70 yards out, to ten feet – but can’t make the par putt. He slips back to -5. Phil Mickelson is suddenly only two shots off the lead of the 140th Open Championship. Meanwhile the amateur Tom Lewis has secured the silver medal, parring the last to go round in 74, +9 for the tournament. A star in the making, we hope. That’s a brilliant performance by the 20-year-old, who led the Open after the first round alongside Thomas Bjorn. Next step: to still be competing in Open Championships when he’s 40 years old like the great Dane. Let’s all agree to meet back here in 2031 to check on Tom’s progress, yes?

3.10pm: A deserved birdie for Sergio on 16, after knocking his tee shot to five feet. He’s +2 for the tournament. Ah, what could have been, what could have been. Johnson has driven the green on the par-four 5th. Fowler, still on the green, stands watching the ball as it flies through. Fowler takes two putts for his par, the second a farcical tap in as he spends a minute or so wondering whether the ball is going to be blown by the wind. He eventually elects not to ground his putter, tocking the ball into the cup from mid air. Clarke meanwhile is in the midst of some nonsense back up on the left of the hole. “You said Rory McIlroy had a one-stroke penalty because he’d grounded his putter and then the ball was moved by the wind,” writes Susan Kirchner. “That sounds like a not very good rule, doesn’t it?” Aye. Not very good rules are what golf’s all about, Susan. It’s part of the sport’s unique charm / why everyone who isn’t obsessed with it, hates it.

3.15pm: A very clever shot by Clarke, whose ball is likely to fly out of the wispy rough. He lands the ball short of the green and bumps it in to 25 feet, a safety-first play. A steady two putts, and he saves his par. That’s fine from where his drive ended up. Johnson’s chip from the back is hilariously poor, an inept duff that only makes it halfway to the hole. He can’t make his 12-foot birdie putt, needless to say. But anyway, none of this is the news: on the par-five 7th, Mickelson hits his second shot pin high, and rolls in the left-to-right 25-footer! He’s now joint leader of the Open, having taken only eight putts over the first seven holes! It’s worth glancing across the new terrain at the top of the leaderboard:

-5
Mickelson (7)
Clarke (5)

-3
Johnson (5)

-2
Fowler (5)

3.20pm: Bjorn, who had dropped that shot at 4, picks it back up at 6 with a 20-foot birdie putt. Fowler, quiet today apart from his attire, registers his sixth par in a row at the same hole. “Fear the mullet!” says Gary Naylor of our new co-leader. Oh the field will be fearing the mullet alright. But there’s a long, long way to go.

3.25pm: Clarke responds to losing sole ownership of the lead by hitting his tee shot at the par-three 6th pin high, 20 feet from the pin. But on 8, Mickelson bumps his second straight at the flag, the ball resting 15 feet away from the hole. He’s on fire.

3.30pm: Clarke’s birdie effort doesn’t drop, but what a wonderful effort, the ball just staying out on the right. Johnson smiles at him warmly as the two cross, the crowd screaming before Clarke taps in. But the poor American isn’t smiling a minute or so later; he misses a six-foot par effort to drop back to -2. It just never seems to happen for poor old Dustin on the final day of a major. I’m pretty sure it will one day – perhaps today, who knows – but if it does, you can guarantee he’ll make a real meal of it. Meanwhile on 8, Mickelson can’t make his birdie putt, but he’s as close as it’s possible to get, the ball horseshoeing round the rim and refusing to drop. He’s still smiling, despite the par, and despite the drizzle which is threatening to turn into proper full-on rain.

3.32pm: The clubhouse leader is Sergio Garcia, who follows up a bogey on 17 with a birdie on 18. He signs for a round of 68. It could have been better, much better, but still, he ends the championship at +2. Onwards and upwards, dear Sergio, onwards and upwards. His playing partner Rory McIlroy finishes with two bogeys on the spin and a 73. He’s +7. Realistically, with the benefit of hindsight, adding an Open to a US Open was asking a bit much, wasn’t it?

3.40pm: Clarke hits a majestic second shot into 7, the ball not quite getting up the ridge in the middle of the green towards the hole, but far enough on to give himself half a chance for eagle. Johnson’s woes continue, his second stopping dead in front of the green to the left. Not sure why that didn’t scamper on. Fowler and Bjorn both parred 7, incidentally, which is as good as giving a shot to the rest of the field today.

3.42pm: Another superb approach by Mickelson, clipped pin high to 15 feet. If he makes that birdie putt, he’ll be out in 29 strokes. Dear me.

3.45pm: The rain is beginning to lash down now. But Clarke does. Not. Give. One. Flying. Toss. Because he rolls in his eagle putt – his second at 7 of the week – to move two strokes clear of Mickelson! The crowd go ballistic, super-nuclear. Johnson gets up and down to make his birdie, though does his best to miss the three-foot putt, the ball only just sneaking in on the left.

3.46pm: Mickelson can’t make his birdie putt, the ball dying to the right, just in front of the cup. He’s still out in 30 strokes, though, -5 for both the day and the tournament, on his own in second place It is suddenly lashing down, the wind blowing a gale. According to the BBC, the weather has been variously described as “stair rods”, “the worst it’s been all week”, and “actually painful”. Clarke is currently squeezing himself into his waterproof breeks, preparing to hit a drive into the wind at the long par-four 8th.

3.50pm: Clever Darren Clarke! By fannying around with his waterproofs, he’s delayed his tee shot, and now the rain and wind has ceased! It allows him to skelp a drive down the track. Had the gale still been blowing, he’d have struggled to make par at this hole whatever he did.

3.55pm: The wind’s back up! This is links golf alright. Clarke hits a 5-iron second shot just short and right of the green, but the ball takes a kind kick left and rolls onto the front. Johnson’s effort is dead at the pin, but perhaps a club short, his ball sticking on the front edge of the green. Up on 10, another shot of genius from Mickelson, who guides his second to 20 feet from rough on the left. “Being simple folk I like how goal difference at the end of a season is always a key indicator of why your team finished where it did,” writes Ian Copestake. “Does this work in golf, as I was wondering if the fact that Clarke is the only player consistently under 70 for all his rounds mean that he deserves it more than Mickelson for instance?” Well, you’d think so, wouldn’t you. But you can’t bank on anything in golf. At the US Open, Robert Garrigus was only the fifth man in the event’s long history to card sub-par totals for all four rounds. Sadly for him, Rory McIlroy soon after became the sixth, and won the event by eight strokes. There’s no point trying to work golf out. Everyone’s tried. Nobody’s succeeded.

4pm leaderboard: I forgot to mention a birdie for Bjorn on 8; he’s still in this! His low, punched approach to 9 reaches the middle of the green; a 25-foot half-chance for birdie, but he can’t quite make it. Fowler lifts a wedge over the flag to ten feet; could this be his first birdie of the day? No. Johnson can’t make his long birdie putt on 8 either. He settles for par. Clarke so nearly makes his 20-footer, gliding right to left, but he settles for a par. He’ll be perfectly happy with that. And on 10, Mickelson rolls in his birdie putt to move within one shot of the lead! This is a superb round by the American. Dear oh dear, this performance is something else. Here’s how we stand:

-7
Clarke (8)

-6
Mickelson (10)

-3
Bjorn (9)
Johnson (8)

-2
Fowler (9)

-1
Kim (10)

4.05pm: “Awesome reception for Tom Watson up the 18th,” writes Phillip Wainwright. “Bloody love The Open.” You got that straight. He signs for a 72, ending the tournament +6. His 72 yesterday, in abysmal weather, was one of the great Open rounds. He also, of course, registered that hole in one on Friday. Tom Watson is 61 years of age. As inspiring as sporting heroes come.

4.10pm: Could this be Darren Clarke’s Open? If you believe in signs, we could have just been given one. In trouble down the left of the 9th, his drive having found rough, he’s standing above his ball and looking to punch it up and over the fairway bunkers ahead. But he completely mishits the ball, sending it thinning straight towards the bunker on the left. However, instead of hitting the bank and plugging into the sand, the ball hits a small incline just in front of the trap and kicks up over the bunker, flying all the way up and onto the green! Oh my giddy aunt. If he wins this Open by one stroke, you’ll be seeing that again and again. He grins as he walks to the green, though at least has the decency to look red-faced and sheepish about it.

4.12pm: Not for the first time this week, Mickelson misses a tiddler, three-putting 11 and dropping back to -5. His par putt was no further than two feet from the hole, but he pushed it and almost totally missed the cup on the left! Meanwhile back on 9, Clarke gets up and down from the front of the green to save his par. He’s still -7, and two clear of Lefty! What a couple of minutes there, first the Clarke fluke and then the Mickelson miss, perhaps the pivotal moments of this year’s Open.

4.15pm: The rain is suddenly belting down at Royal St George’s. This is biblical.

4.20pm: Darren Clarke is currently walking down the 10th smoking a cigar. You have to love professional sportspeople who do this. “You mentioned Dustin Johnson’s meltdown,” begins Alistair Elder. I did, I did. “Er, once or twice. I have not seen him put a putt past the hole yet. They have all been a mile short. Really bad for a pro golfer.” And yet he’s as talented as the come, a fantastic player. I like Johnson, I hope he finds his mental equilibrium soon, because he’s entertaining to watch. Although maybe part of the fun’s in his wild ways.

4.22pm: This is all going Clarke’s way at the moment. Mickelson has driven into a bunker at 12, and has pulled his second shot out of it to the right of the green. A tricky spot; he’ll need all his short-game skills to get that close. Meanwhile on 10, the man himself sets up another birdie chance by punching an iron into the green from semi-rough on the left. That cigar will be very tasty at the moment. Yum nom yum. “Forgive my melancholy (it’s my birthday tomorrow),” sniffs Ian Copestake, “but Watson’s wonderful success and longevity makes it even more shocking to think that Seve is no longer with us.” Amen to that, brother.

4.25pm: Should we ever have doubted Phil Mickelson? From a horrible position up above the 12th to the right of the green, he chips to six inches, saving par. Superlative. As is his playing partner Anthony Kim’s curly 25-foot birdie putt; he’s now -2.

4.30pm: Clarke’s ball is 12 feet from the hole, but he can’t knock it in for birdie. He was so, so close, the ball slowly lipping out. But he’s still smiling, keeping that positive mental attitude going, at least on the surface. His playing partner Johnson has knocked his second to six feet, and knocks in the birdie putt: he’s now -4, and in third place on his own.

4.35pm: Fowler and Bjorn both stroke in tricky par putts on 11. It’s not quite happening for either of them. Once they vacate the green, the final pairing take their tee shots at the par-three. With the pin near the back, Johnson can only find the front right of the green. Clarke finds front left, but after spending a while thinking about it, his ball decides to topple back into a bunker. It shouldn’t result in a Bjornesque meltdown, but you never can tell what’s going to happen on the final day of the Open. Up on 13, Mickelson’s approach is right of the green and long.

4.37pm: Mickelson sends his chip bumping eight feet past the hole on 13. Clarke splashes to four feet on 11. Neither putt is a gimmie.

4.40pm: Mickelson’s par putt on 13 slides past the left lip. He drops back to -4, in a tie for second with Dustin Johnson. Clarke strokes his par putt on 11 into the hole. He’s still going very well, having dealt with whatever Royal St George’s has had to throw at him so far.

4.42pm: On the long 14th tee, Mickelson decides not to flirt with the out of bounds down the right. Well, why would you? He plays it far too safe, though, and pushes his drive into deep rubbish down the left. It’s raining quite a lot again. On 12, Clarke finds the fairway with his tee shot. It’s still going the Northern Irishman’s way – but this is the Open, there’s a long road to travel yet.

4.45pm: Simon Dyson will be the leading English player at this English-held Open: he ends the tournament +2, tied for tenth at the moment. Raphael Jacquelin has signed for a 69, a very good effort. The Frenchman is +1 and the clubhouse leader.

4.50pm: Another spot of luck for Clarke, who pushes his wedge at 12 well right of the green, but the ball takes a kick off a bank and finds the front. That’s the second time he’s pulled off that trick today. Add in the outrageous skip over the bunker on 9, and the golfing Gods are doing their best for him today. Johnson isn’t giving up, though; he guides one in from the hillock on the right of the green, his ball ending pin high, 15 feet from the hole. That’s a decent birdie chance.

4.55pm: Fowler bumps an 8-iron into 13, the ball resting eight feet from the pin. On 14, Mickelson hacks from the rough up the track, then hits a wedge to six feet. And back on 12, Johnson sinks his birdie putt, while Clarke takes two for par. Johnson’s now in second place on his own, two behind his playing partner. “I don’t know how partisan the Beeb’s lot are, but I’m watching in Sweden and could almost swear that their commentators had been born in Northern Ireland,” writes Julian Menz. “Every time Clarke misses one the Swedish equivalent of ‘NOOO’ goes up. Every time Mickelson sinks a put the Swedish equivalent of a silent ‘bollocks!’ is clearly heard. Quite strange, considering Mickelson is a Swedish name. The only objection they had was when Clarke came walking majestically up the fairway puffing on a cig (it didn’t look like a cigar anyway) and they said ‘The BBC should know better than to show that.’”

5pm: Fowler can’t make his birdie putt on 13. He’s not got going today at all. Thirteen pars in a row! That’s Faldoesque. Mickelson also can’t pick up a shot on 14, his apologetic prod sliding by on the left. That putter’s really cost him this week. If it was on, he’d be leading this Open by a few strokes. I can’t believe how many tiddlers he’s cocked up. Here’s the leaderboard:

-7
Clarke (12)

-5
Johnson (12)

-4
Mickelson (14)

-3
Bjorn (13)

-2
Kim (14)
Fowler (13)

+1
Jacquelin (F)
Campbell (17)

5.05pm: Clarke sends his second at 13 straight through the green, but only just off the back. Johnson sets himself up for a third birdie in four, though, with a beautiful approach to eight feet. Meanwhile it’s time for the first Allissian classic of the day. Looking up to the dark skies, he mutters: “I hope the French are getting that.” You wouldn’t put up with it from anyone under the age of 80, I guess, but Alliss clears the age bar, so you’ve got to let it slide. He’s been pretty good this week, though he peaked early with his comment about watching the Colonel “bashing one off” through the window of the clubhouse on Thursday morning.

5.07pm: Johnson can’t make his birdie putt, a real opportunity missed. Clarke gets up and down from the back of the green; he’s still two ahead. That didn’t look likely after the pair had sent their second shots in. Mickelson is making a bit of a hash of 15; after driving into a bunker, he’s got a 15-footer for par. His putter has let him down today; he’ll need it to get him out of this scrape, else his challenge could be nearly over. Meanwhile Chad Campbell birdies 18 to end the championship level par. He’s the new clubhouse leader.

5.10pm: One of the big dangers circumvented by Clarke: he’s hit a good drive down 14, thus avoiding the out-of-bounds down the right that’s claimed so many balls this week. Fowler’s 13-par run comes to an end, but not in the way he’d like: he bogeys the par-five 14th. Meanwhile Mickelson can’t make his par putt on 15; he’s back to -3. We’ve seen all sorts happening on the final day of a major before, but this is probably between Clarke and Johnson now. “That was a wonderful insight into the Swedish mentality,” writes Ian Copestake. “Baulking at cigars being puffed in public while providing the world with the best porn (in the Seventies at least).”

5.15pm: All together everyone… IT’S DUSTIN JOHNSON MELTDOWN TIME!!!

Johnson had boomed his drive down the middle of 14. So he takes out a long iron, aims for the heart of the green, and slices it out of bounds down the right. Good God, is he always going to do this? How many ways can he find to capitulate on the last day of a major? That came out of nowhere. He was going so well, too.

5.20pm: Clarke, having guided his second safely down the track, hits a sensible shot to the centre of 14. Johnson, having reloaded and sent his fourth near the green, clips a wedge to 15 feet. I’m still in shock at what’s happened here to Dustin Johnson. Clarke’s birdie effort nearly drops from 20-odd feet; he taps in for par. He’s still -7. Johnson takes two putts for a 7. He wanders off in a stratospherically confused funk, like one of the Stott Brothers at the end of Bang Bang It’s Reeves and Mortimer. Clarke now has a four-shot lead.

5.22pm: “At least you don’t have to deal with the endless commercial interruptions,” writes Alan Kirkup. “We never see anyone but Mickelson and the final two. It’s as if no else is on the course.” Did you mention Mickelson? He three-putts 16. He’s out of this now, back at -2. On 15, Johnson booms a huge drive down the middle, taking out a lot of frustration. Clarke had previously pushed his drive into a thick patch of rough down the left; this isn’t quite over yet. But it’s worth looking at the leaderboard after the tumultuous events of the 14th:

-7
Clarke (14)

-3
Johnson (14)

-2
Mickelson (16)
Bjorn (15, where he’s just missed a short par putt)

-1
Kim (16)
Fowler (15)

5.25pm: Everything’s gone for Clarke today. His shot from rough down 15 comes out heavy, but his ball skips over another bunker as it bumps up the fairway, and rests near the front of the green. That’s unbelievable! This is getting daft now. Johnson’s wedge flies straight through the green and into a thick tuft of rough at the back.

5.30pm: Clarke elects to putt up the big bank at the side of 15 and onto the green. His ball ends six feet from the pin. A tester for par, but one he should make. Johnson gets up and down from the back, to save his par. And then, to huge cheers – shades of the 2006 Ryder Cup at K Club, this – Clarke rolls in his par putt. With three holes to go, he’s four shots in the lead. Bjorn’s Bunker, coming right up!

5.35pm: A beautiful approach into 17 by Mickelson, but he can’t sink the ten-foot birdie effort. That putter really has let him down this week. He remains at -2 for the tournament. Back on 16, there’s no Bjornesque drama for Clarke, who hits his tee shot into the centre of the green. Johnson follows him. On his way down to the green, Clarke allows himself a little smile, then struggles to check himself, fully aware that the job isn’t finished yet. An amazing story’s developing here, though.

5.40pm: Two putts from Clarke, and he’s two holes away from lifting the Auld Claret Jug. Johnson can only make par too; Clarke’s lead is still four shots. Up 18, Mickelson hooks his second into the middle of the grandstand! The wheels really did come off round the back nine.

5.45pm: Clarke sends his drive at 17 into the light stuff down the right. He looks very calm. Not long to go now. Up on the green, Bjorn misses a ten-footer for par, dropping back to -1. On 18, Kim drops a shot to sign for a level-par 70; he’s also level for the championship. Mickelson gets up and down from the drop zone, carding a 68; four dropped shots between 11 and 16 finished him off. He ends the tournament -2.

5.50pm: Clarke’s approach to 17 is a bit nervy, pushed a wee bit to the right, and weak. His ball tries to get up on to the green, but can’t get over the ridge and stays just off the front. Johnson’s approach is bold and only just stays on the back of the green. On 18, Fowler and Bjorn send their drives straight up the track. “According to the Swedish commentators,” reports Julian Menz, “the next Open will take place at Royal Lytham, just outside Brighton, the town with the big pier and Eiffel Tower copy. To be fair, one of them is probably older than Alliss, by the sounds of it.”

5.52pm: On 18, Jimenez – who has had a nightmare today – signs for a 78. He’s +7 for the tournament, after starting the day with so much hope. Johnson takes two putts from the back of 17; par. Clarke takes a putter from just off the front; a big right-to-left breaker is sent up the hill to five feet. He misses the short one, dropping back to -6. But he’s still got a three-shot lead going up the last.

5.55pm: Dustin Johnson saves one of his best for last, slicing his drive deep into the crowd down the right of 18. No such drama for Darren Clarke, who clatters his straight down the middle. You could get a best-price 200-1 on Clarke winning this week.

5.58pm: Up on the green, Rickie Fowler makes his final par of the day: he signs for a two-over 72. No birdies for the young American; I really thought he’d feature today. But it’s still a great week for him, his second strong Open Championship in a row. He ends level par for the championship, tied in fifth place with Anthony Kim and Chad Campbell. One shot ahead is Thomas Bjorn, taking a wedge to the head of at least some demons from 2003; he signs for a 71, ending the week -1.

6pm: Johnson dumps his approach into the bunker front right of the green. Clarke pulls his to the left, just off the green. The pair walk up the fairway, Clarke receiving the mother of all receptions.

6.03pm: Johnson blasts out of the bunker to eight feet. He can’t make the par putt, the ball dying on the right, and will finish tied second with Mickelson on -2. Clarke rattles his first putt six feet past the hole. Then…

6.04pm: … he rolls his second to the front lip. After playing it for laughs, he taps home the shortest shot of his career. A final-hole bogey, but who cares? DARREN CLARKE IS THE 2011 OPEN CHAMPION!!! He raises both his arms in the air, as the crowd go wild. Does anybody else from Northern Ireland fancy winning a major championship? Jackie Fullerton? Gloria Hunniford?

The presentation of the Auld Claret Jug will be made in a minute or two. In the meantime, those of you who’ve followed the Open here all week may enjoy a blast of this again:

“Would also be nice if NI could produce three footballers of similar standards to our golfers sometime soon,” writes James White. Tch, some people are never happy.

The final leaderboard:

-5
Clarke

-2
Mickelson
Johnson

-1
Bjorn

Par
Campbell
Kim
Fowler

I wonder what Colin Montgomerie is thinking about right now?

A quick pre-presentation interview with the BBC: You’ve had some difficult times, suggests the TV man, asking the upsetting questions so you don’t have to. “It’s for the kids,” says an emotional Clarke, holding back a tear or two. He quickly regains his composure, though, as he considers the rest of the evening: “I think the celebrations will be long but not arduous. And very enjoyable.”

The presentation ceremony (held in delightful drizzle): First, a few words in memory of Seve … a pitifully long lot of tedious nonsense about bugger all from a bloke who loves to hear the sound of his own voice … the silver medal for Tom Lewis … the silver salvers for runners-up Phil Mickelson and Dustin Johnson … “and with a score of 275, the winner of the gold medal, and champion golfer of the year, Darren Clarke!” He gets his hands on the Auld Claret Jug – which later tonight you can guarantee will actually be full of auld claret – and waves it above his head.

Ah well, that’s me wrong about the claret. “With the R&A’s permission, I will tonight fill this trophy full of the Irish black stuff.” Clarke thanks everyone “from the bottom of my heart”, before wandering off with the widest smile in all golf across his face. It’ll be quite an evening, I’m pretty sure of that. So, for once a story this good happened to us…